Conundrums

Good morning Readers, and pardon the rambling.

In light of the new year I have been doing some serious self-appraising, soul-searching if you will. I am beginning to learn that there are certain things about myself, and life in general I suppose, that I have always taken for granted. Looking a little deeper into these things has led me to an interesting place and left me with a few questions that I have no idea how to answer.

No, I have not forgotten my blog, but yes, I have been feeling uninspired. So If one wants to write but is uninspired, when at the same time you need to practice writing to get better but should not write when uninspired…? ugh. Conundrum #1.

These pieces of advise are worded incorrectly. What we really need to practice is how to inspire yourself to do things that take inspiration. Simply being inspired and taking advantage of it is not difficult, and would also be a miracle. ‘Eureka’ moments are few and far between, I think for most of us. What we really need to practice is how to be imaginative and productive when inspiration is scarce.

Now we have that line of thought tweaked, we need to make it a habit. We are habit-forming creatures, of course. If we practice something enough it becomes a habit and can really learn to enjoy anything (within reason). Practicing how to inspire yourself even when things seem bleak is just as difficult or easy as teaching yourself to like black coffee. If you already drink your coffee black, congratulations you are a self-inspired go getter and can feel free to navigate to the next article. Just kidding.

The fear of falling out of step with habits that took so long to build is a constant for me. It is particularly present with my workout habits. I am recovering from yet another back injury and for a couple of weeks was hardly able to get in and out of my car, let alone follow any fitness pursuit. The fear that I was losing motivation to workout and that habit I had built was eminent, even though it was loss of disk connection in my lower back and not motivation causing my lapse. But here I am recovering and re-introducing habits, it isn’t so bad.

Conundrum #2. I really don’t know what kind of person I am anymore. Adulting is complicated because the luxury of mandated activities from which you to build an identity around are gone. Some of us have jobs based on these childhood activities and therefore perhaps the confusion of societal placement is postponed for several years. Others, like myself, have decided to carry over nothing whatsoever that happened during those years of school and activities.

So I don’t know who I am or what kind of person I am from an outside perspective, but I know what kind of person I want to be. Affectionate, funny, friendly, kind, charismatic. These are goals. I know what I need to work on, consistency, being friendly, being ambitious. So here is my second Conundrum; if I want to be a certain way and am determined to become so, am I not being true to myself? OR perhaps because I myself chose these particular characteristics to practice and embody I am being even more true to myself because I personally, me, myself, selected the characteristics I feel are most important?

I have decided that the latter is true because I can decide whatever I want (without being delusional). Achieving the goal of becoming the best version of myself to myself is just like everything else, practice and form a habit.

I have felt a void lately, I struggle to meet people, I fear the friends I have don’t enjoy spending time with me, I feel like I don’t have anything in common with anyone. I have decided that this disconnect is a product of my not embracing myself. Of course I am not going to find commonalities with strangers if I don’t know who I am first! That would be like trying to find a matching sock without knowing what the first sock looked like! and that’s an awesome metaphor.

Let’s leave it there for today. and here I was complaining about a lack of eureka moments; I think I just created one 🙂

❤ Cammy